Discovery Channel
by Cara
Summary: Author has just had about 50h of discovery channel shows shoved down her throat.
1. The X-Jungel

The video camera flashes to life revealing on screen a young woman in a bright yellow jacket

*Characters are not mine and what is written is not necessarily the opinion of the author*

The video camera flashes to life revealing on screen a young woman in a bright yellow jacket. Aside from this garish part of her attire she had on one of those old safari helmets decorated with leaves and twigs.

"Today we journey deep into the underworld of the X-mansion. Who knows what potentially dangerous creatures we may meet along the way." The woman hissed softly as she crept down the hall towards the lounge.

"We must be very careful as we approach our first subject. Logan is a highly volatile creature that has been known to charge and skewer any interlopers into his territory. He is inherently a loner and could possibly have originated in Canada. Notice how he concentrates on the hockey game... a favourite past time of this unusual species. Another peculiar trait of this particularly wonderful example of maleness is his fondness for cigars." 

The young woman shifts positions behind the couch and focuses in on the "subjects" face. 

The man in the chair suddenly sits up and sniffs at the air.

"Notice how acutely aware he is of his surroundings… OH SHIT!!!"

The woman darts for the door followed by an angry Logan with his claws extended.

"This is exactly the type of behaviour I have been telling you about folks… ahhhhh… what here."

The woman skitters behind a foliage rich, plastic, hall plant.

"What a rare sight this is. Rogue is the only creature in this bizarre world that can successfully survive an encounter with Logan. Observers from all over have speculated that she may even be his mate. Not a social creature by nature Rogue derives comfort from Logan. Observe the large eyes and seductive movements… note…. HEY DON'T SHUT THE DOOR!!!… Methinks that something may be happening…"

"But let us move on. As we penetrate deeper into the underworld of the mansion we come across the most feared creature here besides Logan. Scott is a very sadistic creature that enjoys torturing his "victims" with a thing called homework. Unable to have any fun whatsoever he is reduced to deriving pleasure in making sure nobody else can either. Here we see him in his natural environment. English Class. The very sound of his voice will put you to sleep. As we focus in on one of his innocent victims we can see the characteristic glazed over expression of one about to succumb to his awful spell. (Note the sagging head and drool at the corner of his mouth.) "

"We must be very quiet now as we enter an area that few people have ever gone into willingly. The metal trap… sometimes referred to as the med.lab is the lair of yet another creature of the mansion. This creature is known as Dr. Jean Grey. Other residents of the mansion fear being called down to her lair. "Hold still… it won't hurt a bit". Is the favourite line of this one. She has no apparent sense of humor and therefore is immune to the effects of "Scott's" fun draining personality. They are engaged. Unfortunately for her she has also acquired the "unwanted" affection of Logan. This makes for some very edgy confrontations in which insults are often thrown around on both sides. Also unfortunate for many students is the fact that she is a telepath… she can read minds. Although if she got into my head…"

"If you venture to the top of our beloved house you may get the chance to have a rare encounter with Ororo. She is the resident Weather Goddess. Ororo has an unexplainable obsession with plants. You all know the story of Narcissus right? We're expecting something like that to happen soon and one day we will come looking for her and all we will find is a small plant. She also always talks like she is a textbook. No abbreviations. Just very large words."

Finally we enter the home of the Bald One. (Professor X) He can read you minds to… so watch what you think. A kind and generous soul he has helped "unusual" people from all over North America. This great man has one downfall… his relationship with what is perhaps the most dangerous creature in the world." 

"I fear to mention the name of this most illustrious villain… and only have a few comments to make."

" You should avoid contact with this man at all costs. He is easily recognizable because he is very old and her wears Lycra. (which is very scary and wrong). He may also be accompanied by a naked blue woman… who is only allowed out because she is blue and therefore despite her lack of clothing is not naked, a silly little green man (no he is not a Leprechaun… although he bears a striking resemblance to a garden gnome), and a great hairy thing that smells bad."

"These strange creatures tend to stay separate from each other as they attend to their necessary duties except in certain situation when the safety of the world is threatened. Then this strange collection of creatures bands together to help out. (Except for the evil one following the scary old dude in Lycra… because they are usually the ones causing the problems)"

"We can see them as they leave on their mission. Each clad in skintight leather. (Although in Logan's case we wouldn't mind spandex… which is tight in all this right places… *ahem*)"

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The camera goes blank and the woman emerges from her hiding place and strides into the library. Quickly ducking past several students she makes her way to the audio-visual section of the library. 

"Let's see here… monkeys… muskrats… ah! Here it is. Mammals…" She glanced down at a bit of paper. 

"This should do nicely!" She said as she removed the original tape and replaced it with her own.

On her way out she dropped the scrap of paper, which just happened to contain tomorrows biology lesson plan, into the trash bin.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!


	2. Meanwhile Back at the Lair...

Toad practically fell off the wall he was clinging onto when he saw the video

Toad practically fell off the wall he was clinging onto when he saw the video. He had been grumbling under his breath about Magneto sending him off to spy on the X-Men yet again when he heard raucous laughter pouring from one of the classrooms.

Slowly opening the window he peered inside the room 

__

"We can see them as they leave on their mission. Each clad in skintight leather. (Although in Logan's case we wouldn't mind spandex… which is tight in all this right places… *ahem*)"

What in the hell was this??? Toad watched for another second before leaping down off the wall. I wonder… Aha! That would be funny!

Toad sprinted across the lawn and leapt into his helicopter. Time for Toad's home movies! He thought gleefully. 

_____________________________________

__

fzzzzzzzzzzzt a camera fizzles into life. In the background one can hear the sharp staccato sound of boots on a polished metal floor.

Toad rounded a corner and headed towards the dorms. Carefully peering in the first room he started filming Sabertooth. 

"Fierce, violent, strong, unyielding… all those words describe this creature in battle. But, like most species when the battle is over he feels the need to relax. Here we see him happily floating in a bubble bath (aromatherapy does so much for you)."

Toad focuses in on the small bottle of "Winnie The Pooh" bubble bath.

Behind this monster is also a wonderful interior decorator, he watches Martha Stewart religiously! (Although he charges an arm and a leg… literally)." 

Suddenly Sabertooth leaps out of the tub pulling a towel around him. The camera starts swinging violently from side to side then the picture turns upside down.

"Now Victor… remember the rule… no throwing me through the…"

"Trust me Toad… IT'S A GOOD THING!"

"Oh no not with the crappy Martha clichéeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…" 

Toad promptly flies out an open window and lands catlike on the overgrown lawn.

"Stupid hairball…" Toad muttered under his breath.

"I heard that runt!" Sabertooth roared.

"Anywho… onto my next victimerrrrrrrrrr subject. Here we see… or rather you don't but I do at this point in time. Mystique. Our resident morphing mutant she likes to morph into shrubbery on occasion to escape and relax. Of course when Magneto tried to fix up the garden that didn't go over too well…"

Mystique shifts out of her plant form and saunters towards the lair.

"As you may have noticed Mystique is not wearing anything… this however, does not mean that she is naked… note the fact that she is blue and therefore she is not naked… just… well… hmmm I'll come back to that."

Just then Magneto comes out of the lair.

"Hello… what have we here?" whispered Toad.

_________________

"Mystique darling…" Magneto said as he put his arm around her.

"ARRRGH! Are you hitting on me? Gross! You like predate the dinosaurs! Get off me you Lycra wearing freak!"

"I feel unloved…" Magneto said mournfully.

"…love yourself…" Mystique muttered.

"Are you suggesting something…" Magneto asked raising his eyebrows slightly.

NO INUENDO!!! Boomed a voice from the sky.

All the characters look up at the sky almost as if they expected a giant foot to come out of the clouds and squash them instantly.

"Anyways…" Toad said. 

"Did you hear something Magneto?

"No… why?"

"I could have sworn…"

Just then Toad accidentally steps on a branch and it breaks with a loud CRACK!

"TOAD!" Magneto and Mystique yell as they each lift him out of the hedge by a shoulder.

"What's he got in his hand?"

"Looks like a video camera."

Magneto rips it out of Toad's grip and sends it smashing into the side of the lair.

"Pesky reptile!"

"I'll have you know I'm an amphibian thank you very much Mr. I think I'm so hot so I wear Lycra."

"Oh shut up!" Mystique yells and kicks toad out of the way as she runs into the Lair.

"Mystique darling… wait for me."

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Oh come on snuffelwuffels!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" 

Toad hauled his beaten body over to the mangled remains of the video recorder. After searching through the chunks of twisted metal for awhile he retrieved the tape!

"Ha on you!" toad yelled as he danced up the stairs to his room.

Setting the tape on his desk he grabbed a piece of paper from his desk.

After what seemed like an eternity he began to write…

__

Dear Jubilee…

I saw you video and I was so inspired…


End file.
